16 Minutes

Today, while browsing the Yahoo headlines, I came across an intriguing story.  A 16 minute workout!

Of course, me being me, I clicked onto it.  Poor, gullible me.  Thinking that there would actually be a workout that I could do in only 16 minutes and still see results.  It's just the sort of magical solution that people like me pray for.

I soon realized that it was 8 "magic moves" from Jillian Michaels. 

Ok, I'll come out with it - I DON'T LIKE JILLIAN MICHAELS!!!

I think she's smug, condescending, and looks down on everyone who isn't a size 4 and in the best shape of their life. 

That said, I continued to scroll through the article, hoping that somehow this magical 16 minute workout included sitting on the couch, or simply walking in place.

No such luck.

It was a series of 8 exercises designed to help you tone twice as much in half the time.  And, best of all, there were pictures showing how the exercises were supposed to look.

Now, I know that I'm not even close to being in shape, but I almost had a stroke just looking at the picture of some skinny-ass woman going from being on all 4's to having her legs kicked up above her head (picture how a donkey kicks).

Yeah right!

And it only got better from there - high kicks, a psychotic modified push-up, and something terrifying called "dragging dog" which required pulling yourself along the ground from a flat laying position into an "upward dog" yoga pose using just the palms of your hands and your toes - hahaha.

Exercise plans like that are a great idea...if you weigh 125 pounds and are already in shape. 

But for someone like me, it makes me want to cry...or scream...or smack the "fitness guru" who came up with that routine from hell right in the face. 

I think I'll stick with my low impact exercises - while secretly chastising myself for not being in shape enough to pull off even one of those maneuvers without having a heart attack.