Numbers Don't Lie

As much as I'd love to go on denying it, I'm overweight.  Actually, I'm sure by any standard BMI definition, I'm probably obese.  Lovely!  I can feel my self esteem beginning to soar...oh, no, wait...there it goes...crashing back down to earth where it belongs!

Fortunately for me, (knock on wood), I don't have any weight related medical problems.  I'm sure a physician could look at me and start spouting off the things that I'm more likely to develop than someone who weighs 120 lbs, but at least at this point, I haven't had to deal with high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, or the multitude of other delightful ailments linked to obesity.

Unfortunately, that doesn't keep me from feeling unhealthy, knowing that those darn numbers on the scale are way too high, wanting to be different, and feeling like I'm stuck in a deep hole with no hope of being able to climb out.

I had a (much needed) hard dose of reality a few days ago.  I finally went online to cancel (yet again) my Weight Watchers membership.  *Side note - I haven't been using it, and seeing as we're in money-saving-mode right now, I feel like the monthly membership fee can be better spent on something a little more important.*  So, just for fun (and by "fun" I mean "as a way to torture myself") I pulled up the weight tracker and took at look at my progress roller coaster of weight loss and weight gain over the last year.

Here's the breakdown:
I am currently 10 pounds heavier than I was when I first began Weight Watchers last spring. (Gulp)
I lost about 14 pounds during my first go-round with WW last spring/summer. (Sigh)
Since my "low weight" last summer, I have GAINED a grand total of 32 pounds. (NOOOOOOOOOOO)

The numbers don't lie.  At a certain point, you can't ignore the cold hard truth.

I want to be different.  Honestly!  I want to be thinner (hell, I'd settle for "not so fat").  I want to enjoy going clothes shopping, or God forbid, being able to walk out of the shower without trying desperately to avoid looking at myself in the mirror!

Maybe this is a good thing.  Maybe I need to have these numbers in my head so that when I think about slacking off on my "make good choices" plan, I'll think twice.  Maybe with these figures bouncing around in my consciousness, I'll go those extra 10 minutes on the bike or treadmill, or really push through one more set with the weights.

Oh, how I want to be different.  *Sigh*